seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
