If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Randomize
