i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
