Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
