All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
