oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
