i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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