i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Come see our sink grown plant.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
