Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
