why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
