Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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