Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
