he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
