I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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