I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
