dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
