Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
