Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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