My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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