does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
