My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
The air taste purple.
Randomize
