I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
