tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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