You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I think my fart just growled at me.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
