No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
