i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
