I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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