I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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