Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
