your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
She just used a chaser for red wine.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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