Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
