I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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