Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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