dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
