Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Randomize
