Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
