Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
