if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
