You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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