I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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