end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
