Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
