Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Barsexuality is the new black.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
