You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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