Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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