She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
