I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
