Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
