maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
