god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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