Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
