I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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