I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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